The other day I was invited to see a movie with a friend. He paid for the ticket and I was grateful to get out of the house. Anybody that knows me knows that I don’t get out much. I had some popcorn, which was the highlight of the night. The thing that really bothers me is that I didn’t react to anything in the movie. The parts that were supposed to be scary I didn’t jump. I looked around. The parts that were supposed to be funny, I didn’t laugh. I could tell when I was supposed to laugh because the theater audience would laugh and I would just look around. I was just numb. The only thing I’ve been able to feel lately is sadness and frustration. I’ve been faking my feelings around others for a while now. I’ve been depressed since I was 12 but this is something more. Something worse. I’m kinda sick of it. And I’m so damn tired.
If the stars align you will be successful in anything you do if you are three things…
It is helpful to think of willpower like a muscle that weakens if you don’t use it but gets stronger when you do,” says Dr Matt Field, professor of psychological science at the University of Liverpool.
“Can you help me?”
“Well, what is it that you want?”
“I don’t know.
but this world… I think there may be something wrong with this world.
Something hiding underneath.
Either that or there’s something wrong with me.
I may be losing my mind.”
Today was supposed to be the day that I quit caffeine for good, in an attempt to lose weight and feel healthier. I have been getting a lot of headaches lately and I have determined that caffeine is most likely the culprit. Then I went to Starbucks and bought a mocha. Then I bought a monster energy drink at the gas station immediately after. Then I bought a caramel macchiato at Starbucks.
I don’t understand why when I am trying to quit something I have a rebellion right back into it super hard. The weird thing is, if I wasn’t trying to quit caffeine today I would’ve only had the mocha.
A few days ago I had a headache when I woke up. It transformed into a migraine so quickly. The pain was unlike anything I’ve ever experienced before. On a scale of 1-10 it was a 15. I was in so much pain that I had to call in sick for both of my jobs and couldn’t take care of my daughter. It was so debilitating. It felt like someone chopped my head off, tied it to the back of a truck, and let it bounce down the street for several miles. I get a migraine about once or twice every year but never this intense. Never enough to make me vomit multiple times from the sheer pain. The force of throwing up so hard broke the blood vessels in my face and gave me freckles. My body just couldn’t take it. It took about 10 hours for me to return to the light as a human instead of a moaning bed ridden zombie. I really hope it doesn’t ever happen again. To anyone in the world.
My mouth was covered with tape that I couldn’t take off. My heart bursting. I couldn’t get a word out to tell her she was dead. She was gone. She didn’t even know how she had died.
It was too much to handle. Where were we? Somewhere deep in her subconscious. Not mine. You have to move on. For your sake and mine. It’s been 9 years. These nightmares have to stop.
Someone left a 10 speed bike near my neighborhood. Just sitting there painted in white and clearly out of place. I don’t know how it got there but I was astounded that the same bike was still there 3 days later. There’s still some good in the world. Nobody had stolen it, nobody touched it. Someone even walked by on day 2 and propped it against a tree. As if to say, “Here, you left your bike.” Nobody came to claim it though. This morning I saw the same bike lying on the ground. It looked sad and lonely… with both of its tires now missing.
I’ve given myself the challenge of not complaining lately and I have been failing miserably. To the outsider it would appear that I have nothing to complain about. Except everyone has their problems. Hidden just below the surface. Behind the masks we wear. Who wants to drag others into their misery anyway? I had given myself the challenge of only thinking positive thoughts when I was in my early 20’s. It literally changed my world. I had the best two weeks of my life! So, if thinking only positive thoughts can mysteriously change everything for the better, why can’t I just do it? It reminds me of other catch 22s in my life. Eating because I’m depressed, being depressed because I’m overweight, being overweight because I eat. If only I weren’t so lazy… then I’d have the energy to exercise. How do you stop something that’s already started and replace it with something even more uncomfortable. How do you pull yourself or push yourself when you barely have the strength to wake up in the morning. …There I go complaining again.
I am forcing myself to start writing a blog. I need a creative outlet and maybe this is something I can sink my teeth into. Then again, I’ve over caffeinated myself today and when I do I often feel like I can accomplish anything. Take on the world. Seize the day. At least until the coffee wears off.
“If I had no sense of humor, I would long ago have committed suicide.”
– Mahatma Gandhi
And Shepherds we shall be
For thee, my Lord, for thee.
Power hath descended forth from Thy hand
Our feet may swiftly carry out Thy commands.
So we shall flow a river forth to Thee
And teeming with souls shall it ever be.
In Nomeni Patri Et Fili Spiritus Sancti.
Beware the beast man. For he is the devil’s pawn. Alone among God’s primates. He kills for sport, or lust, or greed. Yea he will murder his brother to possess his brother’s land. Let him not breed in great numbers, for he will make a desert of his home and yours. Shun him. Drive him back into his jungle lair. For he is the harbinger of death.
“When you stop doing things for fun you might as well be dead.” -Hemingway
Yesterday is so far the worst day that I’ve had all year. With the recent snow hammering the pacific north west we received a modest 5 inches of snow in our neighborhood. The snow being what it is we decided to stay home. Unfortunately our power decided to go out. Instead of freezing in our house Mejin wanted to go over to her parent’s house to study, be warm, and have a warm place to sleep. I reluctantly agreed.
I opted on taking my car instead of hers which in hindsight was a bad idea. I just felt that my car handled the snow better. While trekking through the snow I was fiddling with the car stereo because it kept flickering on then flickering off. Very strange. I decided to leave the faceplate off. Unexpectedly while in the left turn lane at the Spanaway loop intersection of 176th my car died. Like an idiot I kept turning the key hoping that it would eventually come back to life. The clicking of the hazard lights and the dog whining in my ears. I eventually gave up. I waited to push it out of the road. Thankfully someone saw the trouble that I was having pushing my car through the frozen ice hills and helped me from the back. After getting it into the gas station I looked back and saw 4 guys helping me. I was so out of breath at the end of it that I had a hard time thanking them. I hope they know how much I appreciated the help. Times that that you feel so helpless.
After having the car towed away and getting a ride we needed a car. We borrowed Mejin’d Dad’s car to go back to our house to get Mejin’s car. What came later was a fantastic series of getting stuck, getting stuck again, getting stuck again, then getting stuck again. Sliding everywhere the entire way. Even getting stuck in the driveway trying to park the car was par for the course.
Of course what night wouldn’t be complete without getting absolutely no sleep because the room was too hot, the dog was freaked out, and I couldn’t de-stress from earlier. I am now running on about 1-2 hours of actual sleep. I can’t wait for this day to be over already and it’s only just begun.
At least I know that God could have made it worse if he wanted to.