Into the darkness I sink. Not a stranger to this warm bath that overcomes me and shows me how alone I truly am.
I”m having a hard time understanding why every day has to be a terrible day from start to finish. Can’t I just have one good day once in a while?
At 3AM I woke up and went downstairs to get water. When I came back up the stairs my heart started skipping beats. It went on so long that I was able to get Mejin awake to listen to it. We were both freaked out a little. I sometimes get heart palpitations/arrhythmia but they usually go away within a few seconds. As I type this it is still going on. It’s been about 5 hours of heart skipping. Made worse when I walk up the stairs. No chest pain or numbness so I’m not going to the hospital just yet.
Update: It went on for about 20 hours before going away.
I read that I should quit drinking coffee and alcohol.
I’ve been feeling sick lately in my throat and my stomach. A gnawing sand like pain that spreads to my head. It’s not going away and it’s becoming more frequent.
I’m noticing gaps in time and experiencing a disconnected feeling. Depression, crying, pain, apathy. This is all I know now.
If I tell anyone they just say to exercise or see a doctor. I don’t want to do either of those things. I just want to curl up into a ball in a quiet room and sleep.
“Therefore I will not restrain my mouth. I will speak in the anguish of my spirit; I will complain in the bitterness of my soul. Am I the sea or a sea monster, that you keep me under guard? When I say, “My bed will comfort me, and my couch will ease my complaint,” then you frighten me with dreams, and terrify me with visions, so that I prefer strangling — death rather than life in this body.” – Job 7:11-15
Medication has me feeling like I’m dying alone.
I am a spec of dust floating randomly through the light. Reflective and content in the moment. Drifting slowing to the stonework floors of Starbucks. A shift in the way I see things has taken place. I’m trying (and mildly succeeding) to take back my life from the grips of depression. Seattle was never the place for me because of the gray skies and I’m reminded of this every time the sun comes out. Things are just more beautiful when you can see them. Even down to a spec of dust twirling in the ambient light.
The other day I was invited to see a movie with a friend. He paid for the ticket and I was grateful to get out of the house. Anybody that knows me knows that I don’t get out much. I had some popcorn, which was the highlight of the night. The thing that really bothers me is that I didn’t react to anything in the movie. The parts that were supposed to be scary I didn’t jump. I looked around. The parts that were supposed to be funny, I didn’t laugh. I could tell when I was supposed to laugh because the theater audience would laugh and I would just look around. I was just numb. The only thing I’ve been able to feel lately is sadness and frustration. I’ve been faking my feelings around others for a while now. I’ve been depressed since I was 12 but this is something more. Something worse. I’m kinda sick of it. And I’m so damn tired.
If the stars align you will be successful in anything you do if you are three things…
It is helpful to think of willpower like a muscle that weakens if you don’t use it but gets stronger when you do,” says Dr Matt Field, professor of psychological science at the University of Liverpool.
“Can you help me?”
“Well, what is it that you want?”
“I don’t know.
but this world… I think there may be something wrong with this world.
Something hiding underneath.
Either that or there’s something wrong with me.
I may be losing my mind.”
Today was supposed to be the day that I quit caffeine for good, in an attempt to lose weight and feel healthier. I have been getting a lot of headaches lately and I have determined that caffeine is most likely the culprit. Then I went to Starbucks and bought a mocha. Then I bought a monster energy drink at the gas station immediately after. Then I bought a caramel macchiato at Starbucks.
I don’t understand why when I am trying to quit something I have a rebellion right back into it super hard. The weird thing is, if I wasn’t trying to quit caffeine today I would’ve only had the mocha.