“Therefore I will not restrain my mouth. I will speak in the anguish of my spirit; I will complain in the bitterness of my soul. Am I the sea or a sea monster, that you keep me under guard? When I say, “My bed will comfort me, and my couch will ease my complaint,” then you frighten me with dreams, and terrify me with visions, so that I prefer strangling — death rather than life in this body.” – Job 7:11-15 

Seeing the light

I am a spec of dust floating randomly through the light. Reflective and content in the moment. Drifting slowing to the stonework floors of Starbucks. A shift in the way I see things has taken place. I’m trying (and mildly succeeding) to take back my life from the grips of depression. Seattle was never the place for me because of the gray skies and I’m reminded of this every time the sun comes out. Things are just more beautiful when you can see them. Even down to a spec of dust twirling in the ambient light.

If it keeps on rainin’ levee’s goin’ to break

The other day I was invited to see a movie with a friend. He paid for the ticket and I was grateful to get out of the house. Anybody that knows me knows that I don’t get out much. I had some popcorn, which was the highlight of the night. The thing that really bothers me is that I didn’t react to anything in the movie. The parts that were supposed to be scary I didn’t jump. I looked around. The parts that were supposed to be funny, I didn’t laugh. I could tell when I was supposed to laugh because the theater audience would laugh and I would just look around. I was just numb. The only thing I’ve been able to feel lately is sadness and frustration. I’ve been faking my feelings around others for a while now. I’ve been depressed since I was 12 but this is something more. Something worse. I’m kinda sick of it. And I’m so damn tired.

Will power

It is helpful to think of willpower like a muscle that weakens if you don’t use it but gets stronger when you do,” says Dr Matt Field, professor of psychological science at the University of Liverpool. 

Westworld

“Can you help me?”
“Well, what is it that you want?”
“I don’t know.
but this world… I think there may be something wrong with this world.
Something hiding underneath.
Either that or there’s something wrong with me.
I may be losing my mind.”

Caffeine fits

Today was supposed to be the day that I quit caffeine for good, in an attempt to lose weight and feel healthier. I have been getting a lot of headaches lately and I have determined that caffeine is most likely the culprit. Then I went to Starbucks and bought a mocha. Then I bought a monster energy drink at the gas station immediately after. Then I bought a caramel macchiato at Starbucks.
I don’t understand why when I am trying to quit something I have a rebellion right back into it super hard. The weird thing is, if I wasn’t trying to quit caffeine today I would’ve only had the mocha.

The migraine from hell

A few days ago I had a headache when I woke up. It transformed into a migraine so quickly. The pain was unlike anything I’ve ever experienced before. On a scale of 1-10 it was a 15. I was in so much pain that I had to call in sick for both of my jobs and couldn’t take care of my daughter. It was so debilitating. It felt like someone chopped my head off, tied it to the back of a truck, and let it bounce down the street for several miles. I get a migraine about once or twice every year but never this intense. Never enough to make me vomit multiple times from the sheer pain. The force of throwing up so hard broke the blood vessels in my face and gave me freckles. My body just couldn’t take it. It took about 10 hours for me to return to the light as a human instead of a moaning bed ridden zombie. I really hope it doesn’t ever happen again. To anyone in the world. 

No place real

My mouth was covered with tape that I couldn’t take off. My heart bursting. I couldn’t get a word out to tell her she was dead. She was gone. She didn’t even know how she had died.
It was too much to handle. Where were we? Somewhere deep in her subconscious. Not mine. You have to move on. For your sake and mine. It’s been 9 years. These nightmares have to stop.

The white bike

Someone left a 10 speed bike near my neighborhood. Just sitting there painted in white and clearly out of place. I don’t know how it got there but I was astounded that the same bike was still there 3 days later. There’s still some good in the world. Nobody had stolen it, nobody touched it. Someone even walked by on day 2 and propped it against a tree. As if to say, “Here, you left your bike.” Nobody came to claim it though. This morning I saw the same bike lying on the ground. It looked sad and lonely… with both of its tires now missing.

Positivity

 I’ve given myself the challenge of not complaining lately and I have been failing miserably. To the outsider it would appear that I have nothing to complain about. Except everyone has their problems. Hidden just below the surface. Behind the masks we wear. Who wants to drag others into their misery anyway? I had given myself the challenge of only thinking positive thoughts when I was in my early 20’s. It literally changed my world. I had the best two weeks of my life!  So, if thinking only positive thoughts can mysteriously change everything for the better, why can’t I just do it? It reminds me of other catch 22s in my life. Eating because I’m depressed, being depressed because I’m overweight, being overweight because I eat. If only I weren’t so lazy… then I’d have the energy to exercise. How do you stop something that’s already started and replace it with something even more uncomfortable. How do you pull yourself or push yourself when you barely have the strength to wake up in the morning. …There I go complaining again.